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Unfiled May 1, 2002
 
Parlez Vous Phi-Delt?
By Dan Higgins Browse author
 
 

Higgins at the Eiffel tower

Spounge pauses on his way to lunch.

Hey, guess where the fuck I am? Fucking Paris! I've been staying with my bro Spounge, where he's been stationed for work.

Actually, I gotta say that it's much fucking nicer than I was expecting it to be -- I mean all you hear about is these fucking cheese eating surrender monkeys and how much they hate Americans and shit, but that's just fucking bullshit. I mean, there are plenty of frogs that try talking trash to me, but fuck 'em. I mean, it's not like I understand what the fuck they're saying anyways; maybe they're asking me who the fuck my tailor is.

One thing I don't get though is how so many fags get away with it here. I mean, fuck, by my calculation, their whole fucking race should have fucking gone extinct years ago. I mean, all the guys are too busy sniffing each other's perfumed asses to find time to breed little fucking frog babies. How do I know they're fags? Simple, they all have fucking sweaters tied around their fucking shoulders. Not that I blame 'em -- it's not like Russia where you'd have to be fucking crazy to be a fucking fag. These fucking French bitches are fucking rank hairy arm pitted she-wolves. We're talking bottom of the barrel Bells bitches that you'd think twice about getting a BJ from in the bathroom at four a.m. And it's not like any fucking snotty ass French femi-Nazi would ever drop to her knees like that, either.

So why the fuck aren't the French extinct? Who the fuck knows. Probably some desperate American soldiers mercy fuck just enough of them to keep the whole fucking race from dying. They're probably ordered to. NATO, dude.

But even so it's a pretty nice place if you know where to fucking go. And of course, I've done all the fucking hard work for you.

I promised my mom that I'd stop by the Louver when I was in Paris. What the fuck is the big fucking deal, I don't fucking know. If you want to walk around this fucking city that the Krauts should have fucking leveled before the fucking scarf wearing fag ass army had a chance to wave their pink hankies in the fucking air with your dick in your hand, go to the Louver.

Otherwise, the place to start is called Rue St. Denis. You take the subway to the Strasbourg stop, get out and bam, you're in whore heaven. It's that fucking easy. Of course, its not Whore Heaven with a capital "W" -- that's Russia -- but its fucking better than what you're going to get in most places in the fucking States.

Travelers' Tips

How to book a trip

Go to a fucking travel agent. Tell them you want to go to fucking Paris. I don't know where it is on a map, but they should be able to look it fucking up. If I could figure out how to get there, you obviously don't need to be a fucking brain surgeon.

How to get there

Walk. Who the fuck thought up these dumb ass fucking questions? How the fuck do you think you get to France, shithead? You book a flight through the travel agent. One minute you're in one airport, the next, you're getting drunk on a plane and pinching the stewardess's ass, and then you're in another fucking airport. Whoop-tee-doo!

Useful guide books

If you want to stand around like that faggot in the photo (yo, just kidding, Spounge!), get yourself a fucking guide book. If you want to have a good fucking time, all the info you need's in this fucking article.

There's a few things you gotta know -- first off don't even think about fucking a whore without a condom. Not gonna fucking happen. No fucking way.

Second, its true what they say about Paris -- it's a fucking expensive city. Your average whore here will quote you about 300 euros (a euro is a buck, only less, just like Europeans). Bullshit -- you can jew the bitches down to 200 bucks easy, even if you are just gesturing with your fucking hands. My bro' Spounge taught me that. And don't fucking worry if they seem to be asking a shitload of money -- chances are the fucking cunt just doesn't even know her own money. Stupid sluts are constantly trying to count in the fucking franc, which is another bullshit currency.

But anyways, I don't know a word of their sheep fucking language, but it doesn't fucking matter anyways. 'Cause the thing is, when you're in France, you're never going to fuck a frog whore. There are some towel-heads, but most of them are fucking Africans.

Now I know what you're thinking -- you better wear your jimmy cap with these bitches. What the fuck did I tell you? Unless you want fucking AIDS and to die like a frog faggot.

At first I had some reservations about fucking these darkies -- it's not that I'm racist, but you got to admit that blacks just smell different than civilized folk. At first I thought it was just cause they don't fucking shower, but then I realized it's just fucking nature. Fucking jungle musk or something.

But on the other hand, some of these chicks are fucking beautiful. As with any whoring experience, you can't fucking rush into it and pick out the first hole you see, no fucking way. Take your time looking for a real tall African queen -- some of them look like fucking black Russians. Walk a bit away from the subway and you're guaranteed to find a better fucking rate and a hotter fucking bitch.

I shouldn't generalize too much though, cause there are plenty of slant sluts out, too. They don't even cost more, although it ain't Thailand, either. Fuck it, I think the African bitches look better.

Don't worry too much about people fucking with you. They say the street hookers come out after dark, but that's a bunch of bullshit what with fucking daylight savings time and all. They're out there after seven or so every night.

For late night runs after you've already gotten wasted, you can take a cab out there, but that adds both the added fucking cost of these expensive motherfucking cab rides and the hassle of convincing her to come back to your place.

See, most of these fucking bitches have cum soaked rooms in the projects where they take you back and fuck for about an hour. To get them to go with you home takes some fucking convincing, which can be pretty fucking tough when they don't know how to speak anything but clicks or something like that.

What about the Russian whores? That's what I was wondering too. I've heard rumors that the cheapest fucking whores in town are Russian bitches way the fuck out in the suburbs and I even went out looking for them one night -- you can say I was fucking home sick. Its fucking bullshit though, I didn't see any fucking whores, let alone Natashas out there anywhere. Fucking waste of fucking time.

Now, you can find Russian sluts working as call girls. See, these racist fucking frogs pay a fucking premium for white fucking pussy, and you know that the fucking dyevs have a corner on the market. Well, that shit's delivery and you get them for slightly longer, but fuck, it costs over 400 bucks usually. Shit -- more than two rounds of Night Flight!

You're going to have to eat somewhere, too. Don't believe that fucking shit about all frogs hating McDonalds. They fucking have taste buds, too, and they can't get enough of Big Macs and shit. For all their fucking snot nosed talk, they'd fucking sooner outlaw fucking wine than lose Micky D's. And it's the only fucking food in the country that doesn't cost a shitload or taste like total shit. Real French food is for faggots.

Sometimes, though, you want something a little more substantial, and that's why they've got these Planet Hollywoods and TGI Friday's all around the city. And they're not like the fucking closed PH in Moscow where you could get a lap fucking dance but not a decent burger. In Paris you can have a pretty solid bacon cheeseburger for about ten bucks. And the portions aren't the little fucking lego portions that frog restaurants try to make you pay fucking fifty bucks for.

That's about it. The fucking travel agents will find you a fucking hotel. They might not be proud to admit it, but there's fucking bierre (beer) in every bar for about four bucks and you won't have to drink fucking fruit juice every time you want to get wasted. There're even Irish pubs all over the place that actually serve normal beer. You can meet other English-speaking, normal people there, lots of Americans and shit. I even met a bro from the Phi Delt at U. Indiana once. We drank tons of beer and kicked the shit out of a frog, then went home.

So, you see, it's not that fucking tough out here after all. I mean, I wouldn't want to stay here too fucking long -- I might start wearing a fucking beret or something. Not fucking likely.

Still, I'm not going to stay for a long time anyways. Too many stuck up faggots who know English and don't want to speak it. Well, fuck them. Fucking cheese-eating surrender monkeys. They're not that bad, though. Even they understand that we saved their fucking pussy asses so many fucking times that we could turn the country into a fucking Wal-Mart parking lot and they'd fucking thank us.

Fucking cowards.

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