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Feature Story February 20, 2002
The eXile's History of the World
Page 2 of 5

The Classical Period

The years 479-323 B.C. are what we now refer to as the "Classical Period" of Greek civilization. Almost every important feature of what soon became known as modern human civilization was invented during this period: democratic government, philosophy, dramatic literature, mathematics, and the natural sciences.


In addition to inventing civilization, the Greeks at this time also invented homosexuality. Of course, homosexuality existed before the Greeks, but the Greeks were the first to really enjoy it. Their main discovery lay in the area of anal sex. It took a while to master. At first they spent a long time just gently prodding each other's assholes with the tips of their penises, just sort of backing up over and over again and bumping into the ring. The guy underneath in these situations would just feel a little poke right in the middle of his anus. It took about two hundred years for them to know to just push the whole member in there. The first time they tried it, it hurt, but after that they got used to it pretty quickly and then soon after that really started to like it. Next thing you knew just about every older guy in Greece was a regular Michael Jordan of gay sex, sucking off one and two boys at the same time, fucking guys in the ass, getting fucked in the ass, making up sex-god nicknames for himself, lashing himself to tables and benches and giving little knowing twitches of his lips in conversation.

The Romans were also into gay sex, but it was more of a domination thing for them, more about making it hurt for the other guy, who was usually a slave. In Rome, women also had sex, which kind of spoiled the scene.

The Birth of Christ

In our culture this is considered the pivotal event in human history. Christians credit Jesus with teaching a faith based on love and forgiveness, and the life of Christ as glorified in the scriptures is basically a story of a heroic confrontation with despotic Rome and an entrenched Jewish religious hierarchy.

Since Christ, our idea of perfection of character is that of a soft-spoken, bearded victim who goes around saying puzzling things, riding sideways on donkeys, and staring thoughtfully at the heavens while grimy women wash his feet.

Who was Jesus, anyway? To this day, scholars are unsure. It's a question that will probably never be answered!

The 600 years in China Between about 200 BC and 400 AD

In 202 BC the Han dynasty was founded in China by a former policeman named Liu Bang. He demonstrated his contempt for scholars by urinating into the hat of a court academic. Under a later emperor named Wen-Di the Chinese produced art that would dazzle people in modern times. Fifty years later, in a totally unrelated event, economic conditions improved when restrictions on copper mining were lifted. Wen-Di's son, Jing Di, ruled for 16 years and battled at length and to little tangible result with the gentry for control over the state. Jing-Di was succeeded by his son, Wu-di, who conquered an iron-producing territory in Korea and introduced Vietnam to the water buffalo, metal plows, and other tools. Another event that occurred was that Confucianism became the official religion. Also, information was gathered about India and Pakistan, and the 4,000 mile Silk Road trade route was established. Additionally, it sure was a shame that Chinese rule in Vietnam would remain tenuous, as its jungles and mountains gave sanctuary to Vietnamese who would conduct continuous raids and skirmishes against the Chinese. Wu-di's rule ended in 91 BC, after which followed nearly 500 more tumultuous years in Chinese history until 400 AD.

The Indian Ocean During the Middle Ages

The Dark Ages are generally considered to have begun in 312, when the Roman empire fell to the Christian Constantine. They lasted for about 1,000 years. Throughout that time, the Indian Ocean was where it always had been, bounded on the North by southern Asia; on the West by the Arabian Peninsula and Africa; on the East by the Malay Peninsula, the Sunda Islands, and Australia; and on the South by Antarctica.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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