Thus their hatred of Halloween and reverence for Guy Fawkes Day. Now THAT is their notion of a pleasant holiday: the ceremonial burning of a Catholic. For 400 years the Commonwealth has celebrated the violent death of Guy Fawkes, who was tortured to death, slowly and carefully, for having tried to blow up the Commons to liberate English Catholics, who were regarded as vermin, whose priests were killed on sight. The rhyme recited on Nov. 5 emphasizes that this old grudge should never be forgotten:
The fifth of November
Gunpowder treason and plot;
We see no reason
Why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.
Right: THIS is clearly a much more morally sound holiday! None of that vile American giving-away. Instead, a proper reverence for what matters: the extirpation of heretics in as painful a manner as possible.
And these, these are our only friends! Kill me now, before my head explodes! If you don't, I'll be pushed into sewing the goddam flag on my coat; and if the Brits stay loyal, I'll have to add a Union Jack beneath it.
How can you get these people to shut up? Well, nuclear weapons are of course an option. The ultimate earplugs. But supposedly there are side effects. I suggest instead a much more humantarian plan, my newly-announced "Adopt A Taliban" scheme. This will allow Western Progressives to discover just how much they have in common with their Afghan friends, up close and personal:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Dykes and Eunuchs, Transgendered Beings and Subverters of the Dominant Paradigm!
Step right up and adopt yourself a Taliban fighter!
Yes, the turban'd heroes you've cheered on TV can now be your flatmate for a week, a month, or even longer! Simply send money, all of which will go to deserving Al Qaida projects, and we'll send YOU an Afghan warrior! Many of your friends will envy you this remarkable conversation-piece! Watch as he:
*Adds atmosphere to the biggest party, wafting a perfume of pure authenticity from the clothes he's been wearing since 1981!
*Explains in perfect Pushtun why your wife (sorry: "partner") is violating 367 tribal laws, with detailed explanations of the particular mutilations mandated for each!
*Wraps your daughter in a bedsheet, then carefully cuts out eyeholes before flogging her for visible ankles, placing thirty 7.62 caliber bullets by the corkboard for payment, and carrying her upstairs for use in improving morale!
*Teaches you how to turn your rock garden into a nature-friendly restroom!
You won't believe how much your little visitor will teach you about his culture in just a few days. After all, America is the enemy; and as the wise old Islamic proverb has it, the enemy of your enemy must be your friend.