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Feature Story October 18, 2001
 
CLEANSE THE WORLD
By John Dolan Browse author Email
 
 

the eXile invites U to Jihad, or Why a 767 Is Like a High-heeled Shoe

The eXile now proudly offers you what no other publication in the English language would dream of offering: an honest discussion of the real weapons available to us.

What is a weapon, anyway? The most honest and practical definition is this: A weapon is what you're willing to use as a weapon. The heel of a woman's shoe is a weapon; a uniball pen is a weapon; a razorblade taped to a toothbrush is a weapon. And a Boeing airliner loaded with jet fuel is a weapon -- God, what a weapon! But nobody noticed that until one fell into the hands of people who were willing to use it.

Just because we're such nice guys, we'll throw in Texas, too

By this standard -- being willing to use the shoe, or 767, or B1 bomber -- America, at the moment, has no weapons at all. America is an impotent nation, with no military force at all.

Y'see, you've been had, folks. You've been had more ways than a Boar House dyev, in fact -- but the biggest wad you ever swallowed was the notion that the American conservatives are patriots, and advocates of military force. No, no, no! They are pacifists, far more pacifistic than the average hippie.

It's weird, how none of you seem to get it yet. You saw it with Reagan, the most cowardly of any president; you're seeing it now with GWB; but you still don't realize that the Republicans shrink from the prospect of real conflict like a white jock trying to weasel out of a fight with a Latino half his size: they simply don't see why they should have to risk their pretty faces in any contest, no matter how much the odds are stacked in their favor. And besides, he might have a knife!

Look at them! Do you see any longing for vengeance in those faces? Look at Rush Limbaugh, their cheerleader: a draft-dodging closet case waving his queeny pom-poms for profit, not war. Look at George W. Bush, a typical sexually confident frat-fucker who'd run a mile to avoid a real fight! Oh, my poor naive war-nerd brothers, how could you ever have dreamed that Bush, or Limbaugh, or that second-rate CEO, that GM Board-of-Directors second-stringer, Donald Rumsfeld, ever shared our dreams?

Just listen to their attempt at war rhetoric! They don't even get the speeches right! Did you hear Bush try to "rally the nation"? Whoa! Step back, Churchill! Roll over, Adolf! Here's a real communicator! If I'd been watching that speech from Taliban HQ, I'd've done a victory shuffle just listening to this trembling frat asshole stumble over his lines, unable even to stammer out the face-saving formulae frat boys use to wimp out of basketball-court fights: "Y-y-y-ou b-better watch it, man! B-b-back off, man!... I mean... shit, y-y-you can't, like, blow up our cities like th-that..." The German nihilists in Big Lebowski did a better version of street threats: "I vock you opp! I vock you opp!"

And don't tell me Bush just blew his lines because he's stupid. Stupid people make superb warmongers! What, Hitler was a genius? No, Bush screwed up his lines because they're completely alien to him and his kind. He can't see it.

Just because the American right-wingers push for inflated Defense budgets, that doesn't mean they connect that spending with real war. They love Defense spending because it allows them to withdraw money from the accounts of non-wealthy nobodies without making a single item which would make life better for those losers. Look at Reagan, a president too cowardly to attack anything scarier than Grenada. Reagan used the defense budget to fund weapons which were NEVER DESIGNED TO WORK.

Please try to realize this. I speak as somone who spent years reading every issue of Aviation Week and Armed Forces Journal, and I learned this against my will: Reagan funded ONLY those weapons which were NEVER DESIGNED TO WORK. His administration fought hardest for weapons which were known to be inoperable, like the B1 bomber and Star Wars.

The B1 Bomber: not a weapon


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