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[SIC!] May 28, 2008
 
Your Letters
 
 

[SIC] OF THE WEEK! A BANDERA OF LOSERS

Dear War Nerd,

Given the information below - the dates for and sizes of foreign troop presence in Ukraine throughout 2008, when would it be most likely to expect President Medvedev to attack Ukraine. Will the Russians begin from Crimea?

Regards,

Steve Bandera

-- Forwarded message --

From: Steve Bandera Date: Fri, May 9, 2008 at 9:53 PM

Subject: 2008 Foreign Troops in UA

Nearly 3,000 foreign troops (2,940) will spend more than three months (142 days) on the territory of Ukraine throughout 2008. But Russia will still maintain the largest foreign troop presence in Ukraine, with its Black Sea Fleet based in Crimea.

Back in April, the Rada approved the multinational list of joint military exercises to be held in Ukraine throughout the year. An April issue of the Army's Narodna Armiya magazine published details of the exercises, including a sample of the modern military hardware Ukrainians will see: 60 light wheeled vehicles, 15 ships, 12 airplanes, 12 helicopters and 2 submarines. This list is far from complete, as details of the armaments and hardware are only provided for 4 of 11 exercises (see second table).

Conspicuously missing from the report are the names, dates and numbers for bilateral air defense exercises with the Rossiyska Federation. So who knows how many Russian airplanes and pilots are in Ukraine at any one time? Not to mention the 25,000 service men of the Russian Black Sea Fleet and its 388 maritime vessels (including 14 submarines).

Dear Mr. Bandera,

Ukraine? What’s that? Isn’t that the mythical land where whores supposedly come from? Look, we’d like to believe that there’s a "The Ukraine" out there just as much as the next john, but we’re a real-world paper dealing with real-world problems. And right now, our problem is that there are so many real-world whores from Lugansk, Krivy Rog, and Zhytomyr, that it’s driving the whore price down here to below-cost prices. How can the Moldavians compete in such a cut-shaft market? Hopefully the WTO will get involved—whore dumping practices like these are exactly the kind of thing that could set off a tariff whore. I guess what I’m trying to get at, Mr. Bandera, is that maybe we should stop gaming various whore scenarios, and instead, start working together to create conditions for long-lasting sluts. That way, all mankind could benefit. Women would lose out badly, but mankind would live in peace and harmony. And really, ladies, isn’t being a slut worth the price of peace? Think about the children. Yes, the children.

AMERICAN GERBILO

Dear War Nerd,

Thanks for your column. I just read the article about Tibet and noticed that you tend to accredite the common vision of buddhism and zen as religions of peace, human brotherhood etc. I was somehow surprised to find this lieu commun in your column, since such assertions, though true for the contemporary, Western, versions of buddhism (did I say 'commercial'?), most probably won't apply to the original, indigenous, buddhism.

Indeed, it looks like buddhism and its zen sect are as belligerous as any other religion, (there were religious wars and prosecutions of non-buddhists communities orchestrated by buddhists, etc). One of the latest and more noticed study of the question (one that goes straight to the point, thus starting a debate within the buddhist and academic circles) is Brian Victoria, Zen at War, Weatherhill, NY and Tokyo, 1st edition 1997.

Best,

Rouslan

French expat, Moscow

Dear Monsieur Rouslan,

Richard Gere replies, "Due to your malicious smear of the Buddhist religion, you have just ensured that in your next life, you will be reincarnated as a gerbil. And I know of a certain sphincter that’s got your gerbil-incarnation’s sorry name on it, Monsieur Rouslan Le Gerbil. Until we meet again, I bid you adieu, adieu, a-doo-dee-doo-doo. Get it? ‘Doo-doo.’ Cuz you know…you-gerbil, me-sphincter. That whole thing. Yeah, well, I’m doin’ my best here folks. I’m not a comedian by training, so just cut me a little slack here. As you can see my career isn’t going too well these days, which is why I took this [sic] gig. But hey, I’m out there trying, and that counts for something, don’t it? I mean, give me credit for using the whole gerbil-sphincter thing in my routine. Cuz from what I hear, audiences really appreciate it when a washed up star shows that he can make fun of himself. So that’s what I’m testing out here in [sic]. You know, this whole making-fun-of-myself thing, showing that I can laugh about the one thing that is most embarrassing for me. See, when I do that, people say, ‘Hey, Richard Gere doesn’t have an ego like all those other elitist Hollywood types. No, he’s a regular guy, just like you and me. And you know what? I like this new regular-guy Gere. Heck, I’d buy his memoir if he wrote one, I’d rent his self-deprecating kitsch films and find some way to give him my money and my time and perhaps even my daughter for a night, not to mention my daughter’s pet gerbil. Hey, that’s funny! I should tell Mr. Gere that joke!’ Yeah, that’s right buddy, go on trying to laugh with me rather than at me. Go on trying to think that you and I have some sorta common understanding. Get yourself all nice ‘n comfortable with the new self-deprecating Richard Gere. It’s only a matter of time until you too will be reincarnated as a gerbil. You, and everyone else who’s ever slighted me, or gotten in my way, or just generally pissed me, Richard Gere, off. You’ll all be reincarnated as gerbils, and I swear as Buddha is my witness, I will shove every last reincarnated one-a-ya up my sphincter! I’ll stuff you all in there so tightly that…oh god, this is starting to kinda excite me. I’ll shove every last one… Er…'scuse me for a moment, I, uh, gotta do some meditatin’. Keep doing what you’re doing, folks. I got some important spiritual matters to attend to."


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