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Death Pornomatic Map of Russia Your visual guide to DP. See who's dying, where and how!
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For the spring quarter of 2008, the Death Porn Bureau, employing a highly specialized team of professional deathographers, has put together this first of a kind Visual Guide to DP. In honor of Russia's Year of the Family, we present our readers with this easy-to-read map exploring the strong family values that imbue Russian society with continuity, cohesion and compassion.
 Click map to enlarge graphic or scroll down to browse the gore in text mode...
LEGEND:
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Knob Goblin
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All in the family
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Neighbours involved
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Old people
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Control shot
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Riddled with bullets
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Podyezd
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Cannibalism
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Cries for help ignored
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Investigation continuing
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Children
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Low-yield murder
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Really stupid criminal
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Carved up like a turkey
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Killing "connected with professional activities of victim"
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Hunger-related crime
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Murder-suicide
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WE BLAME SOCIETY
Kaluga, Kaluga Oblast (March 10) — You see, 15-year-old Anya had recently began to develop an attitude problem. She hardly bothered to show up to school, drank, smoked, took drugs and slutted herself to pretty much any guy that would get her drunk, and did them right there in the room she shared with withered grandmother. That's no way for a young girl to live! Children need privacy and alone time, a thing Anya obviously lacked. So it didn't come as any surprise when Anya turned her frustration onto her inconsiderate grandmother. It happened like this: after she and four of her friends polished off a bottle of samogon, they headed over to Anya's house. After raiding the fridge, Anya noticed all the empty milk bottles were gone, and then it hit her: her babushka, who was sound asleep the next room, was probably hoarding the handful of kopeks she got for returning the empties to the store. Anya and her friends got really mad and attacked the grandmother with fists, feet, dishes, salt, baking soda, some pickled peppers—whatever they found. Eventually, Anya got her hands on a metal pipe, which she then used to tenderize grandma into a bleeding hunk of meat. She managed to break most of the old lady's ribs and rupture both of her kidneys before she died from shock. Did little Anya come to her senses and flee the gastly murder scene? Of course not. She was suffering from post-traumatic stress. And after her friends got bored and left, she climbed into her bed and drifted off to sleep.
BURNING LOVE
Village of Znamenka, Tambovskaya Oblast (March 22) — A distraught 34-year-old unmarried woman was wandering around her village in an acute state of psychological distress because she knew that her boyfriend, who repeatedly refused to marry her, had his mistress over at the wooden shack he shared with another man. She confided in a bottle of samogon, and what do you think it told her? It said: The only way to deal with this problem was to kill her cheating boyfriend and that whore he spends all his time with, as soon as possible. And the best way to do that was to use the bottle of 70% alcohol she had in her hand as a flaming samogon-cocktail. The advice worked, too. The wooden house burned to a crisp so fast that the three people inside didn’t have any time to scramble out. This cheating bastard should’ve known better than to sneak around on his girlfriend this year, at least he could’ve gotten her pregnant before he died.
ALLOWANCE TO LIVE
Kirs, Kirov Oblast (April 6) — This is a family lesson in why a more generous approach to your kid’s allowance may save your life. Here, a 17-year-old juvenile delinquent didn’t take well to his 81-year-gramps talking down to him, especially after the old man refused to give him the beer money he needed to get over his school morning hangover. But gramps didn't heed his warning and just went on bitching about abstract ideas like the need for a strong work ethic. And so the kid saw only one way out: he grabbed a thick steel pipe and went to work on the old man's bald head. According to the coroner, no less than six powerful blows were delivered. But he was probably guessing just for the sake of the coroner’s report, as there wasn't much left of the old man’s osteoporosis’ed skull when the kid finished with him. And to think, all this violence just over a 2- liter bottle of Zhigulovskoe classic beer. This is exactly the kind of situation Putin's materinskiy kapital was designed for! We rest easy knowing that future generations will benefit from it.
FAMILY CRISIS RESOLUTION, VILLAGE STYLE
Unspecified Village, Omsk Oblast (February 25) — In this little unmarked hamlet, a customary family argument around the dinner table turned into a blood-soaked axing fiesta. Unfortunately, the details on this crime are as scanty as the crime scene’s gore was gory, meaning we can’t give you the "why’s" just the "agggh!"s. But whatever "it" was, you can be sure it was severe enough for a man to take a huge axe to every single relative present: his mother, grandmother and grandfather. The man, whose name and age were not released, was so incensed that after he chopped the three into hunks of meat, he felt the need to grab a kitchen knife and inflict a few control stabs just to be sure. According to our DP family experts, domestic axings are a totally natural consequence of quality family time.
QUARTERED & BAGGED
Tumen, Tumen Oblast (April 7) — In this town, two women, a 37-year-old named Elena Murto and a 24-year-old Alyona Nesterova, showed the whole world that they can carry out a complicated DP better than any man. After the two got into an argument with the 40-year-old man who lived with them (we're guessing he’s the live-in boyfriend of one of the chicks), the two gals decided to teach him a lesson he'd take to the grave. It's not clear what the guy did to piss his womenfolk off, but it is clear that they were all boozing hard. After discussing it amongst themselves, the girls decided to experiment with good ol' death by quartering. The only problem was that they didn't own a horse, not to mention four. But they were not discouraged and decided to make do with the tools they had on hand: a kitchen knife, some rags and a bunch of plastic bags. The two women sprung on man, tied him up, plugged his nose and mouth with toilet paper, wrapped a towel around his head and then went to sleep leaving the man to slowly suffocate in the kitchen. In the morning, the two girls got to work on dicing the body up into smaller chunks and even called a couple of friends to help out. They were on their way to dump the body in forest outside of town but had their plans were foiled by GAIshnik looking for a bribe. Hey, you have to give the two gals credit for carrying their DP further than most of men we've come across. Russian Grrrrl Power!
THE UBER-MUZHIK STRIKES
Omsk, Omsk Oblast (March 26) — In another happy family murder out of this gloomy oblast, a man strangled his mother-in-law right after his own wedding. Unlike all the other suckers, this guy was smart. He didn't wait around for the years to pass so he could grow increasingly bitter and resentful towards his tyosha and turn into just another muzhik who sat around making tyosha jokes. He killed her as soon as she uttered her first post-nuptual nag. The man, whom police referred to simply as "T," wasn't shy about speaking the truth, either. According to him, his tyoscha started chewing him out for his rude behavior as soon as the last of the guests left. He felt that he had no choice, he had to put a stop to it right then and there. "I decided I wouldn't take her insults. So I strangled her," T told the police after he gave himself up without incident and with a clear conscience.
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FROM THE VAULT |
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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.
Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."
Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.
Your Letters
[SIC!]
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.
Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.
The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.
Your Letters
[SIC!]
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.
13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...
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