WE BLAME SOCIETY

Kaluga, Kaluga Oblast (March 10) — You see, 15-year-old Anya had recently began to develop an attitude problem. She hardly bothered to show up to school, drank, smoked, took drugs and slutted herself to pretty much any guy that would get her drunk, and did them right there in the room she shared with withered grandmother. That's no way for a young girl to live! Children need privacy and alone time, a thing Anya obviously lacked. So it didn't come as any surprise when Anya turned her frustration onto her inconsiderate grandmother. It happened like this: after she and four of her friends polished off a bottle of samogon, they headed over to Anya's house. After raiding the fridge, Anya noticed all the empty milk bottles were gone, and then it hit her: her babushka, who was sound asleep the next room, was probably hoarding the handful of kopeks she got for returning the empties to the store. Anya and her friends got really mad and attacked the grandmother with fists, feet, dishes, salt, baking soda, some pickled peppers—whatever they found. Eventually, Anya got her hands on a metal pipe, which she then used to tenderize grandma into a bleeding hunk of meat. She managed to break most of the old lady's ribs and rupture both of her kidneys before she died from shock. Did little Anya come to her senses and flee the gastly murder scene? Of course not. She was suffering from post-traumatic stress. And after her friends got bored and left, she climbed into her bed and drifted off to sleep.

BURNING LOVE

Village of Znamenka, Tambovskaya Oblast (March 22) — A distraught 34-year-old unmarried woman was wandering around her village in an acute state of psychological distress because she knew that her boyfriend, who repeatedly refused to marry her, had his mistress over at the wooden shack he shared with another man. She confided in a bottle of samogon, and what do you think it told her? It said: The only way to deal with this problem was to kill her cheating boyfriend and that whore he spends all his time with, as soon as possible. And the best way to do that was to use the bottle of 70% alcohol she had in her hand as a flaming samogon-cocktail. The advice worked, too. The wooden house burned to a crisp so fast that the three people inside didn’t have any time to scramble out. This cheating bastard should’ve known better than to sneak around on his girlfriend this year, at least he could’ve gotten her pregnant before he died.

ALLOWANCE TO LIVE

Kirs, Kirov Oblast (April 6) — This is a family lesson in why a more generous approach to your kid’s allowance may save your life. Here, a 17-year-old juvenile delinquent didn’t take well to his 81-year-gramps talking down to him, especially after the old man refused to give him the beer money he needed to get over his school morning hangover. But gramps didn't heed his warning and just went on bitching about abstract ideas like the need for a strong work ethic. And so the kid saw only one way out: he grabbed a thick steel pipe and went to work on the old man's bald head. According to the coroner, no less than six powerful blows were delivered. But he was probably guessing just for the sake of the coroner’s report, as there wasn't much left of the old man’s osteoporosis’ed skull when the kid finished with him. And to think, all this violence just over a 2- liter bottle of Zhigulovskoe classic beer. This is exactly the kind of situation Putin's materinskiy kapital was designed for! We rest easy knowing that future generations will benefit from it.

FAMILY CRISIS RESOLUTION, VILLAGE STYLE

Unspecified Village, Omsk Oblast (February 25) — In this little unmarked hamlet, a customary family argument around the dinner table turned into a blood-soaked axing fiesta. Unfortunately, the details on this crime are as scanty as the crime scene’s gore was gory, meaning we can’t give you the "why’s" just the "agggh!"s. But whatever "it" was, you can be sure it was severe enough for a man to take a huge axe to every single relative present: his mother, grandmother and grandfather. The man, whose name and age were not released, was so incensed that after he chopped the three into hunks of meat, he felt the need to grab a kitchen knife and inflict a few control stabs just to be sure. According to our DP family experts, domestic axings are a totally natural consequence of quality family time.

QUARTERED & BAGGED

Tumen, Tumen Oblast (April 7) — In this town, two women, a 37-year-old named Elena Murto and a 24-year-old Alyona Nesterova, showed the whole world that they can carry out a complicated DP better than any man. After the two got into an argument with the 40-year-old man who lived with them (we're guessing he’s the live-in boyfriend of one of the chicks), the two gals decided to teach him a lesson he'd take to the grave. It's not clear what the guy did to piss his womenfolk off, but it is clear that they were all boozing hard. After discussing it amongst themselves, the girls decided to experiment with good ol' death by quartering. The only problem was that they didn't own a horse, not to mention four. But they were not discouraged and decided to make do with the tools they had on hand: a kitchen knife, some rags and a bunch of plastic bags. The two women sprung on man, tied him up, plugged his nose and mouth with toilet paper, wrapped a towel around his head and then went to sleep leaving the man to slowly suffocate in the kitchen. In the morning, the two girls got to work on dicing the body up into smaller chunks and even called a couple of friends to help out. They were on their way to dump the body in forest outside of town but had their plans were foiled by GAIshnik looking for a bribe. Hey, you have to give the two gals credit for carrying their DP further than most of men we've come across. Russian Grrrrl Power!

THE UBER-MUZHIK STRIKES

Omsk, Omsk Oblast (March 26) — In another happy family murder out of this gloomy oblast, a man strangled his mother-in-law right after his own wedding. Unlike all the other suckers, this guy was smart. He didn't wait around for the years to pass so he could grow increasingly bitter and resentful towards his tyosha and turn into just another muzhik who sat around making tyosha jokes. He killed her as soon as she uttered her first post-nuptual nag. The man, whom police referred to simply as "T," wasn't shy about speaking the truth, either. According to him, his tyoscha started chewing him out for his rude behavior as soon as the last of the guests left. He felt that he had no choice, he had to put a stop to it right then and there. "I decided I wouldn't take her insults. So I strangled her," T told the police after he gave himself up without incident and with a clear conscience.