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[SIC!] March 10, 2008
 
Your Letters
 
 

[Sic] Letter Of The Week! NEOCON FAN

Dear Mark Ames,

That New Cold War review of yours (appeared in JRL this morning) is one of the funniest things I have read in a whole long time. You actually made me laugh out loud. (Good thing I wasn't drinking coffee, or I'd have blown it out my nose.)

Kudos.

Best,

Nick Eberstadt

(American Enterprise Institute)

Dear Mr. Eberstadt, We know what you're thinking now. You're probably expecting us to destroy you here in [sic], you being a member of the notorious American Enterprise Institute, the neocon's queen nest… But you know something? We're in a good mood today. And your letter cheered us up. Just as Stalin had his whims, sparing Bulgakov, so [sic] has its whims too. In the spirit of cooperation and hope and bridging divides, we're going to zip our traps and offer you a golden prize: a spankin' new eXile [sic] shirt. Wear it proudly around your evil AEI lair, Nick! Chicks will swoon, and Paul Wolfowitz will fight over your shirt with John Bolton. Guzel'! Are you reading this? Get your butt off that Office Manager's chair, and send Mr. Eberstadt a [sic] shirt now. Pronto! Your liberation from tyranny depends on it!

THE HILLS HAVE EYES

Mark,

You would fit in perfectly at the NIU you describe. You could hang out with the "I'm from the east/west coast so I'm richer, smarter, better educated, better looking, and far superior to all you Midwesterner's crowd". Your complete ignorance to the scientific method and failure to grasp basic statistics matches the educational quality of the school. Selectively choosing a few blog posts to fit your thesis provides an accurate representation of the school. No need to provide any random sampling in the survey. Or, god forbid, actually visit the place! That would be a lot of hard work and could takes months of research. By then the story would no longer be the top headline around the world and you wouldn't get some new hits on your blog.

I do agree with one thing you say though. What is with all the corn and farms everywhere? Don't people in the Midwest know you don't have to grow your own food anymore? You can just go to the grocery store!

some Midwesterner

Allen Montz

PS To improve you next writing, try reading some Chomsky, he's from on the those fancy east coast schools.

Dear Mr. Montz, Just so you know, Mr. Ames does indeed hang out with the elitist coastal "I'm smarter-than-you" crowd. Heck, Ames IS the elitist coastal elite personified! As you correctly pointed out, Ames didn't get scientific about his analysis for the simple reason that Ames is elite and high-falutin, and all an elite high-falutin' guy like Ames needs is to spend 10 minutes looking at a complex situation like the NIU shooting, toss off a few clever opinions about the way fools like you live and die while sipping his latte, collect his praise and his paycheck, then move on to the next Trailer Magnet-Country disaster which he knows nothing about, but which he nonetheless comments on authoritatively, merely because he's an elitist from a fancy school. Were you able to understand what we just wrote there? It may be a bit too complicated for a corn-fed, buck-toothed mongoloid hillbilly like yourself, so let us put it into the kind of simple plain English syntax that regular folks like you might understand: YES IT'S TRUE, MARK AMES IS TOO GOOD FOR YOU, YOU HILLBILLY FUCK. PS: Ames not only reads Chomsky, the two of them often meet at fancy ethnic restaurants in Cambridge and converse with each other in French about their plans to lobby the Obama administration to invite the UN to occupy and administer the Midwestern states such as the one you live in, until such time that the Allen Montzes are capable of administering their own lives. First, the Allen Montzes will have to learn how to wipe their own asses, then we'll teach them to brush their teeth, and then…well you can see it's a long arduous task. Chomsky is pessimistic about the chances of you idiots ever managing to do anything more than pick corn out of your daughters' asses, but Ames is a lot more optimistic. He thinks that with a few decades of armed UN administration, and perhaps 10 years of French-run reeducation camps, that you might indeed one day be ready for a kind of Africa-style self-rule, with all that it implies.


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