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Barack Obama has pulled off one of the most amazing feats in contemporary politics: without staking out a single concrete position, he's managed to pass off tired cliches about "change" and "hope" as something new, substantive and inspiring.
The problem with Obama is that nobody knows what he stands for. The only thing he stands by was his speech against the Iraq War in 2002; but since coming to Congress, he's gone from prescient anti-war activist to hyper-cautious Iraq War moderate. By not taking a concrete stand on any issue, Barack Obama has positioned himself anywhere and everywhere along the Democratic Party spectrum, from the progressive wing to the centrist Clintonite wing. That may work well for his election effort, but for the rest of the world, it's downright scary.
To anyone who remembers Putin's deft political maneuvering in 1999-2000, this vague all-things-to-all-people strategy may sound familiar. It should also be a warning, because eventually, all politicians are forced to define themselves and to be defined by events that overtake them.
So given this, what might U.S.-Russia relations be like under a Barack Obama presidency? First, of course, the specter of a black American president will find its way into Anshlag, Comedy Club, and every bad anekdot imaginable. However being the butt of a bad Russian racist joke won't upset President Obama. Fuck with his ambitions, and you'll soon be staring down the tip of a Trident II. Make a racist joke, and he'll assume you're an unsophisticated lightweight and he'll stop taking your calls, that's all.
Once the rocky honeymoon wears off, Obama will start to look to his chosen foreign policy advisers to help navigate what will inevitably become the most dysfunctional relationship he's had since kicking the cocaine scene. Russia will play the role of the drug-casualty-buddy-you-can't-shake, making him all the more dependent upon his advisers for help on what to do about Russia while he tries to get his head straight. [See eXile comparison chart below]
The eXile, in the Obama spirit, moves past the divisions and finds all that American blacks and Russian Russians have in common
| AFRICAN-AMERICANS | RUSSIANS |
Bar-B-Que
| Shashlik |
Use Loreal Sure White whitening cream
| Overuse tanning salons
|
Freed in 1863 by President Lincoln
| Freed in 1861 by Tsar Alexander II |
Ho's
| Sonya Marmeladova |
One out of three black males has been or will be incarcerated
| Second-highest incarceration in the world |
"You talk slick/I beat you right" - Notorious B.I.G., "Me And My Bitch"
| "He wouldn't beat me if he didn't love me" - Russian folk saying |
Racists claim that blacks eat watermelon
| Russians complain that Azeris charge too much for watermelons |
Fried chicken
| Bush legs |
| Yell at movie screen during movies | Talk on cell phones during operas |
Teeth grillz
| Zolotie zubi |
Only given full voting rights in 1960s
| Only given full voting rights in 1989; voting rights taken away in 2000 |
 St. Ides 40oz |  Arsenalnaya 2500ml |
Prefer black Cadillac Escalade SUVs with massive 22-inch dubs
| Prefer black Range Rover V8 Vogue with massive shiny chrome rims |
Blame Jews for infecting black babies with AIDS
| Blame Jews for Communism and Capitalism |
Live in dehumanizing government-built project housing
| Live in dehumanizing government-built paneli |
Whites-only stores
| Foreigners-only hard currency "beriozka" stores |
Plastic covering on furniture
| Plastic covering on remote controls |
Problem of fatherless families
| Problem of fatherless families |
Greyhound across country to visit relatives
| Ost-Vest avtobus tour to Vienna |
| African-Americans invented rock 'n roll | An African-Russian named Pushkin invented modern Russian literature.
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| Hate whites for oppressing them | Hate blacks and seek to oppress them
—Mark Ames & Yasha Levine
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