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[SIC!] February 20, 2008
 
Your Letters
 
 

[SIC] LETTER OF THE WEEK!

TATTOO YOU

Dear Gary,

I am hoping that you will highlight in the eXile the plight of non-Muslim Malaysians in Malaysia. There are sections of Muslims that want us to be tattooed so that we can be differentiated from the general Muslim populace....... this is following several cases on non-Muslims corpse being kidnapped by Malaysian islamic religious troopers and buried as Muslims following dubious claims that the individuals had converted on their death bed.

Could you please help us non-Muslims. A report in eXile might put put some pressure on the ruling regime to change their behaviour.

Kind Regards

Stephen

Dear Mr. Stephen,

Good news. Malaysia's authoritarian leadership got wind of the fact that the eXile was about to publish a big damning expose on how the government is trying to tattoo non-Muslims. Guess what? They've now agreed to also include free lip piercings and eyebrow studs. You guys are going to be the hippest urban hipters in Southeast Asia, and it's all thanks to The eXile, your only source for cutting-edge hipness! Because you know, kids these days, they all want to have these tattoos and piercings and stuff. We don't understand it ourselves. It looks so crazy and barbaric! I mean, wow! Getta load of the kids with their tattoos! It must be this whole anti-mainstream thing, you know? Kids expressing themselves how they want to, not letting society tell them how they should be. We hear that sort of attitude is really catching on with the kids. So anyway, don't bother thanking us when the Malaysian security forces come to your door in a pre-dawn raid with their piercing guns (we've passed your email address to the proper authorities), just make sure you tell your friends, 'It's a gift from the eXile!' If you have a tongue to pronounce 'eXile' with, that is!

MCCAINIAC

Hi Guys!

A lot has been said about how almost all the current US presidential candidates are "anti-Russian." Sen. McCain by far the worst. However, you have to wonder how "anti-Russian" he really is when just last year (or maybe it was 2006) he was supposedly holding meetings with Deripaska and his current campaign manager Rick Davis, ran a consulting-lobbying firm that has worked directly with several Russian businesses, including Deripaska.

Rick Davis's partner in their firm (Davis Manafort) worked in Ukraine on the presidential campaign of Victor Yanukovich. I haven't seen too much in the Western media about this potential paradox.

All the Best,

Jordan

Dear Mr. Jordan, Sen. John McCain replies, "Hey, I know who you are! You're a gook! Don't try to pull this 'My name is Jordan which makes me a European Judeo-Christian' poppycock on me, mister. I can read between the lines in your letter, and what it says between the lines is, 'MAU! MAU! DIDI MAU!' You may remember that from The Deer Hunter, but I LIVED that, man. Do you hear me? I fuckin' lived it! If you've been there in a bamboo cage with the water rats, man, like I have, and you've had to hold a goddamn gun up to your head every goddamn day while Nyugen bets on which POW will blow his brains out, then I'll tell you something man, you start to learn who's a 'Jordan' and who's a gook. I'll get you, you sneaky little commie bastard. I'll find you, I'll hunt you down, and I will kill you, your family, and everyone who has ever come into contact with you. I'll...Oh shit...sorry. Ahem. I sincerely apologize. Please forgive those rash words. It's my wartime experiences that made me say that. I deeply and sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by those racist remarks. But heck, I'm such a straight-shooter, isn't it refreshing to hear me talk this way? I'm so unlike the other candidates. Not just because I'm a straight-shooter, but because I also am a shooter. Yes, I shoot gooks! Oops, did I say that? War man, it's hell. So, go out and vote for me. And if you don't, I respect your decision. Your decision to die! Die, motherfucker! Die!!! MAU! MAU! DIDI MAU!"


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