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America December 16, 2007
 
The Year in Celebutards: 2007
By Nancy Deal Browse author
 
 

Note to readers: Nancy Deal, author of the long-running and much loved eXile column "Ofis Space," has returned to the U.S., where she will be the paper's new celebutard reporter.

Two-thousand and seven was a fabulous year for fans of petty, catty celebrity gossip. Several celebs got knocked up, even more went to rehab, and a few even died. Obama danced with Ellen, whose puppy was repossessed. Lindsay went to rehab and it worked--which means she'll be completely boring until she relapses. There is simply just too much to choose from, but here is a brief overview of some of this year's celebutard highlights.

TomKat n' Suri

Tom Cruise seems to have calmed down a bit; no more couch jumping for him. Everyone's favorite smurf-sized Scientologist and his new wife and spawn are now posing as America's Perfect Family. All of the family pictures this year show Tom standing on raised surfaces, desperately grasping Katie's arm, while Katie seems to attempt to move through a drug-induced haze. Little Suri's piercing and oddly Asian eyes betray her true mission on Earth: to defeat Xenu.

Brangelina

This year Brad n' Angie adopted more kids and continue to live all over the world, depriving their brood of any semblance of stability while posing as dedicated humanitarians. While the three adopted kids get plenty of press simply by attending kindergarten, the unmarried couple's bastard biological blob Shiloh (aka, "the white one") has been much more shielded from the cameras. In other Brangelina news, Angelina stunk up two new films this year while slimming down to a bag of bones, and Brad is either going bald or accidentally super-glued an old man's cap to his head.

Paris Hilton

Oh, what a year it has been for our favorite celebutante! She made nice again with her BFF Nicole, did the last season of The Simple Life, went to jail for 23 days--a celebrity jail service record! After her release from jail, the apparently reformed Paris did an interview with Larry King, where she confirmed that jail is not "hott" and let the public know that she intended to change her superficial, partying ways. A mysterious humanitarian trip to Rwanda with an unknown purpose has been scheduled and then postponed indefinitely to allow for a trip to Moscow for a spoiled brat's so-called "fashion" show, a trip to South Korea to judge a beauty contest, and the best piece of retracted Paris gossip this year (other than the rumor that she intended to adopt young blonde girls from around the world and create a harem of mini-Parises): she went to India to aide alcoholic elephants, who go on drunken rampages and destroy crops. Although officially denied by her publicist, Paris was quoted as saying: "The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."

Unfortunately for Rwanda and drunk elephants everywhere, Paris' priorities have now turned back to keeping her on-again/off-again lover Stavros Niarchos on a short leash and pitching hissy fits at nightclubs. Now that's hott.

Reality Shows

Just when we thought new ideas were bound to putter out, E! and a few other channels managed to underwhelm us with new reality shows which were for the most part pitiful attempts on the part of Z-listed celebrities to reclaim their previous stardom. Since Whitney told Bobby "Hell to the no!" and got off the crack, and now that most of the Osborne family has successfully completely rehab, the psuedo-stars of this year's most tedious television moments were Scott Baio, The Two Coreys and Salt n Pepa.

Scott Baio from Charles in Charge pretended to do some soul searching to figure out if he really wants to marry his pregnant lover of many years, or if he just wants to stay single. During the show, he plays a lot of golf and his friends try to get him to go to strip clubs. Spoiler: he marries his baby mama. The real spoiler is that this show was picked up for a second season...


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