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[SIC!] December 18, 2007
 
Your Letters
 
Page 3 of 4
 

You can bet that the Apartheid ghouls would never let any kind of journalist, embedded or otherwise, see the kind of shit that was going on as the SADF tried to capture Angola's norther oil fields. I - and many who've never heard of this war - would love to hear about what was going on, who kicked who's ass, and which nations' fingers reeked of Angolan poo. Please give us your take on why my friends elder brothers are heroine-addicted, PTS victims.

Hopefully,

Alan

Cape Town, South Africa

Dear Mr. Alan, First of all, your friends' elder brothers are addicted to heroin because it feels great. Do you understand that? Popping heroin is like...well, imagine how the head of your dick feels when it enters the warmest, tightest, youngest pussy you've ever entered...then imagine your entire body feels like your dick head at that moment. Now you know what it feels like to be on smack. Sure it gets bad after awhile, but that doesn't make it stupid, just unfair. So you see, your friends' elder brothers are simply non-retards, which is probably why they aren't writing letters to our newspaper.

STEPHEN KING'S "THE NEOCONS"

Dear Alexander Zaitchik,

Great article ("Lucas' New Cold War"). But you forgot to mention that all these fools are supported by the Neocons. Anne Applebaum is also a Neocon. Mr Putin handed the Russian Neocon Oligarchs their asses. Neocons play for keeps and they won't quit, forgive, or forget. And Mr Putin knows this. The challenge is that he plays their game better than them. As an American, I love Putin for what he did to the Neocons over there. Good for the Russians. Every time the Anne Applebaums call someone an enemy, most real Americans instinctively know differently, at least the Non-Fox News/CNN watching Americans who read the Exile. Everytime I read and see the Neocons frothing at the mouth over Putin, I immediately think about moving to Russia.

Keep up the good work,

Tim

Dear Mr. Tim, Dmitry Medvedev replies, "Waaaaahhhaahhh! Waaahhhahhaaahhh! Hhhh-hhh-hhh-...Waaaahhaahahh!" Dmitry? Dmitry what's wrong? Shhh, there there, Dmitry, what's the matter? "I'm scared...wahhhahha!" Scared? Of what? "Neocons! Waahahahhaaa!" Neocons? But Dmitry, you're the future president of Russia, why be scared of some Neocons? "Because Tim, he said...he said that...he said that there are Neocons and they--theyyyaahhhh! Wahhhhhaahhhahhh! Daddy! I want my daddy! Waahah!" But Dmitry, you can't go running to Putin everytime someone scares you with talk of the Neocons! "Waahahhaahh! Waaahahahaa! I want my daddy! Waaahhahaa!" Dmitry! Dmitry? No Dmitry, you mustn't...Dmitry, are you listening to us? "Nooo! Waahahahaa! I want my daddy, waaahahhah!" Oh Dmitry, you make it so hard. Okay, one moment...Vladimir Putin replies, "Dima! Nu cho blya, ah? Ti cho! Devushka chto-li, ah?!" "Wahahaaahhaa! Waahahhaaa!" "Oh Dimochka, daddy's sorry, there-there. Come to papa. Now, tell daddy what has you so scared?" "Neocons, wahhahha!" "Neocons? Oh shit. Did you say neocons, Dima?" "Yeah, neocons, daddy?!" "Neocons? Fuck me. I mean say what you will about the tenets of neo-Stalinism, at least it's an ethos. But Neocons?" "Neocons, daddy!" "Dima, you're on your own with this one. Daddy's gonna take a little trip, it's called 'father abandonment.' Yeah, kinda popular thing to do out in the Russian provinces. Kinda forms the backbone of our political support. So, I'm gonna have to leave you, Dima, to face the Neocons on your own, because Daddy just can't do everything for you. But remember one thing, don't you dare fight back against the neocons when they attack. Because if you fight back, then that means you're a fascist. And you ddn't want to be a fascist, do you Dimochka?" "No daddy, no! Waahhaaha!" "I dunno, I dunno. I did all I could. But Papa Putin is a rolling stone, and since I lay my hat at United Russia's office, welp, that's my home. Toodaloo, don't forget to write sometime!"


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