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Limonov Files November 9, 2007
Other Russia: Electoral Vandals
By Edward Limonov Browse author
A sample vandal ballot from Other Russia. Scroll down for full-sized version.

We will have an elections in our beloved "Rasha," hope you know about that unforgettable event. This historical event will be produced by a production company "Kremlin & Sons." Russian crowds will participate in masses. All of them will be obliged to present themselves to some special points in neighborhoods all over our country on the same day: December 2. All of them ("sons," although more than half of them are daughters: middle-aged women and grandmothers) should carry their passports in their handbags and pockets. When arriving at special points of gathering ("called electoral stations"), "sons" should take out the passports from their pockets and their handbags and should stretch them out to "servants of the Kremlin." The servants of the Kremlin will find the names of the "sons" one by one in their electoral book on the table. When name will be found, it should be carefully checked out according to the personal information included in the passport. If by all and overwhelming evidence "son" is person mentioned by passport, he/she will be allowed to receive a "ballot." When receiving the "ballot" from stretched out hand of "Kremlin's servant," "son" should in exchange put his signature into the "electoral book." Group of policeman will be constantly present at electoral station in case if one of the "sons" will be unhappy with procedure.

Receiving a ballot, holding it in his right hand, "son" should turn and should walk to a little booth called "kabinka" (little cabin). One wall of "kabinka" should be made of curtain, not an iron curtain, however, but made of cloth. "Son" should step into "kabinka" via grabbing the curtain and moving it aside. When inside of "kabinka," son should put his ballot on a small narrow table. Then "son" should take pen (stilo) in his right hand. Stilo will almost certainly be at hand in "kabinka," almost certainly stilo will be tied to the small narrow table.

Against all! Voting for Other Russia is as easy as scrawling it all over the ballot. Click to enlarge image.

Holding stilo in his right hand, having a "ballot" under his eyes, "son" should look at ballots. Names of about a dozen Kremlin's organizations are written one after another on the surface of a ballot. "Son" shouldn't be surprised that he never ever before have heard of those organizations. But he will have certainly know the names of two or three of them. "Son" is obliged to put some sign next to one of them. He will choose the most known name of organization. However, some of the "sons" out of sheer emotion will choose to put his sign next to the name of organization that is known less. Russians call it "democratical" right to choose. Some hot-heads amongst the "sons" certainly will try to walk away with ballots in their pockets, in order to express their disagreement with the will of "Kremlin." Those sillies (dummies) will be stopped by police, who will ask, "Why you, citizen, didn't put your ballot in electoral box!" Then they will search "son's" pockets, handbag and his clothes. When found, ballot will be thrown into "electoral box."

"Electoral box" or otherwise, "box for ballots," is located at the very center of the "electoral station." It is very brightly illuminated and heavily guarded by policemen. Some flowers are placed next to the "box for ballots" as if it contains a dead body, because such is the tradition of "Kremlin." Other "Kremlin's" tradition: "sons" can buy some food at electoral station. Food at electoral station is traditionally cheaper than everywhere else. Some kolbasa, wieners, some candies--that is how Kremlin expresses its satisfaction with electoral behavior of its "sons." So the "sons" are leaving electoral station with bags of food in their hands.

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